Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the area

Were kids getting drunk, it couldn’t be scarier (boston accent, duh)

We’d wake up hungover, and then stuff our face

To celebrate the genocide of a near extinct race!

I’m no history buff so I could be wrong here, but Thanksgiving celebrates when the pilgrims and the Indians had a nice big meal, before the Indians got straight up merked.  Is that right?  Either way I am definitely down with any excuse to get disgustingly drunk, throw down an obscene amount of food, and have everyone in the family explain in detail the problems we have with each other.  In fact, why stop at Thanksgiving?  Were any meals shared with the Africans before they were tossed in a ship?  Did anyone ever break bread with Bin Laden?  Cmon now, it’s a celebration bitches!

A few things about Thanksgiving and Indians

1. I have no problem calling them Indians

I understand that this is offensive, but it also has some fun history behind it!  Columbus thought he was in India.  I’m in India, the people here are Indians – Columbus.  Boom roasted.  Seriously though, I don’t think I know anyone who says this word with hate or malice, and isn’t the main beef with offending people the hate and the malice?  Whatever Indians, deal with it.

2.  ”We” have no obligation to feel guilty about what happened to the Indians

There is no question that what happened to the people that were here before the Europeans is one of the most horrific things that has happened to a people in recorded history.  It was blatant European ethnocentricity, racism, hate, murder, and genocide.  It sucked.  But like my man Bart Simpson says, I didn’t do it.  Columbus was an Italian who sailed for Spain and did some horrible things.  The Pilgrims were from England.  This shit started happening before the Americas had modern day horses and before the Irish had potatoes, it was a long time ago.  It was a horrible thing to happen that I had nothing to do with.  Do I feel bad?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty?  No.

3.  Modern day Indians in America are hooked the fuck up

I was at Foxwoods this past weekend.  I played a bit of poker, a bit of blackjack, and I made a few hundred bucks.  It was a nice weekend.  Do you know how much the Mashantucket Pequot tribe made?  Okay, so I just did some research and it turns out they’re in $2 billion worth of debt, but still!  Casinos are moneymakers, I thought….  I also had a big rant ready about how they get to go to college for free, and my research again proved that this is not necessarily the case.   There is something called the BIA, the Bureau of Indian Affairs (even they call themselves Indians) They give out money to Indians going to college if they need it, which is sweet, I guess.  I was under the impression they got government funded porn stars sent to their houses.  Well fuck me.

Well, turns out being Indian sucks, what are you gonna do.  Happy Thanksgiving!