So Matty and I were merely acquaintances, I had already moved to the West Coast when Matty really came into the picture with the eventual iBlackedOut crew. We both had mutually heard enough good things about the other that we needed a good late night session to really get to know eachother. I learned everything I needed to know about Matty in one night after the bars beginning at 2:30AM…
a) He’s a genuinely good kid, he drove me home from the City to my suburban home in a wicked blizzard. Can’t ask for much more than that, and I didn’t need to, because I didn’t have to ask twice. I couldn’t possibly let him drive home afterwards, he very well could have died on the roads (now I was also working a chick that night, and this excuse of, “For your own good, you should really stay at my place,” would have felt alot less gay if I could have got HER to drive me home…)
b) He’s an absurd drinker. Like, no stopping him once he get’s started. He downed my parent’s 100 proof Captain Morgan’s double shot style with a milliliter of coke for two hours. He had 5 drinks to my one. Finally I realized Matty almost kicked the whole fucking bottle, so I moved him to Bacardi. At least 5 more drinks. He STARTED drinking at 2:30!
c) We were working up quite the bromance until, and this appears to be pretty standard issue with Matty, his brain shut off. Like, mid-sentence, one word slurred to oblivion and I don’t think another word exited his mouth. Sounds? Yes. Words? No.
d) The greatest moment of my life happened at about 5:00AM, post-Matty’s brain shutdown. This was the point that he began to climb down the evolutionary ladder into ape-dom. His hands curled into these awkward shapes, as if he was attempting to decipher what these odd tools at the end of his arms were meant to do. He started begging me, like a monkey, not like a human, via grunts and arm flailing, for the meatball sub I was devouring. I resorted to ripping small, easily chewable bites from the sub and gently placing them on his newly acquired fingertools, and I actually laughed out loud in his face and asked him, legitimately, if he needed his front arms to maintain balance while walking. He didn’t understand the joke, and then proceeded to walk hunched over to my couch where the evening came to an abrupt end. Matty the Monkey Human, if that isn’t a visual worth holding onto, I don’t know what is…
